Striving

I often find myself striving. Striving for what though, I don't know.


There's this constant desire in me to be better, do more, get stuff done and it's exhausting. When I hit the wall I'm left feeling useless and tired. I move from a mindset of "always growing" to a mindset of destruction. I suddenly have the urge to shirk all responsibilities and go do whatever I want. This is also not a good place to be.


Where is that balance?


I wonder what other people think and feel a lot. Do others find themselves pushing, pushing, pushing and then suddenly wanting to throw it all away? I wonder similarly when it comes to depression. How do other peoples brains work? Do they feel the way I feel?


It's impossible to know and/or experience so I'm left wondering to myself, how do other people do it?


How do people with so much more responsibility than me keep going? How do parents wake up everyday, feed their kids, get them off to school, do their jobs, take kids to practice, make dinner, put them to bed, and then do it over and over and over again? I'm certain the wall doesn't disappear when you have children.


When all I do is strive, I start wanting to run away from my life. When all I do is run away, I want to grow. I don't know where that balance is and I hope I find it soon.