I'm new to organized religion. I gave it a try once when I was about 19 and determined it wasn't for me. Back in November, I decided to do some research. I read books & articles, listened to podcasts, talked to believers, took a class and went to church.
I quickly learned I could do as much research as I wanted to but I was never going to get a definite answer either way. There isn't definitive proof of God, and there isn't definitive proof God doesn't exist either.
After a few months of research, I determined at some point, I was going to have to take a leap of faith, either way, and I decided to leap to God.
The big difference between finding God now, and when I was 19, is that I actually sought out God this time. When I was 19 I needed a community and I found that at Church. I joined a life group filled with amazing young women that I loved spending time with. This time I refused to join a life group. I barely spoke to people at Church. I would leave Alpha (the class I took) as soon as it was over so as to not build relationships with people (and because of my severe introvertedness).
Instead I sought a relationship with God. I can't put into words how fun that is.
Trust me, it has not been easy and there are times nearly everyday that I question if I made the right leap. There are some things logic can't explain though, and when I stop trying to find the logic in every thing, and lead with my heart, it all feels right.
My biggest issue has been finding a Church and/or group of people that have the same beliefs as me. I've found what I believe tends to differ from most Christians and definitely from most Churches. I've been working on taking the good I hear and enjoying sharing a love for God with other people instead of fighting everything they say and allowing our differences to tear us apart.
I can't say anything was different at Church today but for some reasons I decided to walk up to the prayer team and ask them to pray for me. I didn't know how to start it, so I just said "I'm broken" and they took it from there. I soon realized my entire body was shaking. I honestly can't remember what either of the women said today but I felt love, connection and grace.
Today is one of those days when I just want to share my love for God with others. Every once in a while I want to scream it from the rooftops. It is such a weird feeling and yet I am completely overwhelmed with His goodness somedays.
So, whats the point to this post? Good question.
I guess I wanted to share a few things:
If you tried religion before and it "wasn't for you" ask yourself if you were actually in relationship with God or if you were just a part of a Church.
If you have had a relationship with God and, like me, you feel like you can't go back because either He won't accept you, those around you will judge the fact that you go back and forth, or any other reason, you don't have to listen to those thoughts. You can go back. One of my favorite lines from the song Rescue Story says "Cause every time I ran away You were louder than my shame" You can change your mind again if you want to.
If you want to talk about God, I want to talk about God too. Let's talk about Him together.
I hope to hear from you soon.